My personal 9/11

I've been thinking about why i was ever on bsky in the first place. For one i do have to appreciate it connecting me to important resources and making it super clear that i needed to take being trans seriously in order to have a shot at life, at love.

And then later it morphed into a way to try to resist the needle shifting towards doom and collapse and apocalypse that i trusted everyone in my network was also feeling. A sort of "yeah i know we're all scared right now but we can still experience the joy of humanity in the mean time." But, like i said on my profile, the experience is all so vapid and pointless. Pointless because its a poor substitute for the real thing and i'm increasingly demanding of the real deal. Someone i can send 500 words to. Someone i can privately send a picture to. Some way to explore human connection on cyberspace without constantly being aware i'm showing my whole entire ass to the public internet.

I don't know if i can ever go back in the same way as before. It is a bad situtation that if any of my parasocial(?) relationships with the other people on bsky threaten to turn into something more than a casual acquaintance, then it means i have to ... contend with that. Idk, the words aren't really capturing the feeling i have here.

Okay, can i be honest with you? I don't know who the intended recipient of this is. It sucks to learn that you have more-than-platonic feelings for some you merely follow on bsky and feel like you can't do anything about it. What has to be a tiny sliver of who they are. And it happened to me. And since there's no likelihood of geolocation with anyone ... that's why the shit getting real is actually no good. A poor substitute for the real thing, as i'm saying.

A big thing my life is me coming out as trans over and over. Honestly the most fun can be had in a social engagement is telling them this information. My whole world is opened up to me and i gotta be thinking about the opportunity cost of staying indoors to socialize instead of forming ties in my physical community.

Can i do both? Maybe. Probably actually that could be healthy. When im using bsky the best its not following people i pine after, rather its when my journaling has niche public benefit in some way. My shitposting? ehh, take it or leave it. I feel like most of the time its performative.

Anyways, thanks for listening to me ramble....

Signed,
Leslie